My Mom, My Hero…
When people ask me who I admire or esteem to be like, without a blink of my eye, the first person that jumps to mind is my mom. My mom is a pretty amazing and extraordinary woman, but if you were to ask her, she would say, “I’m just being me.” As I approach my 38th birthday and get ready to send my 18 year-old son off to college and into the world, I wonder how the hell my mom did it with nine of us and then some.
My dad was a single father having just lost his high school sweetheart and wife of eleven years to a brain tumor caused by estrogen and progesterone research treatments. While they were trying to get pregnant, Mary and my dad adopted three baby girls.
To make a long story short, my mom fell madly in love with my dad who was eighteen years older than her, but had such a great reputation in her little community that she just knew they would be together before she ever had met him in person. One year later…they eloped and have been together for forty-six years.
I’m not going to lie and say that everything was a fairytale because it wasn’t. There were a few times they wanted to throw in the towel, but nine kids and a crazy attraction for each other was the glue that held them together. I had only one son and I struggled. My mom had nine and we always seemed to be bringing home the relatives too. We all get together now and laugh and scratch our heads in appreciation and awe at how my parents managed to raise a small football team and keep their sanity intact.
What I love most about my mom is that she is my biggest fan. She has always, without fail, been there for me and not just me but all of my brothers and sisters. Without prejudice, she is the most generous person I’ve ever met but can slice you in two if you rub her the wrong way which we never try to do!
Almost nineteen years ago I found out I was pregnant. I told my then husband and he suggested that I have an abortion. I loved this man more than anything and the thought of eliminating this life that we created together didn’t make sense to me. He suggested that I 3-way my mom thinking she would support him in this decision and I happily obliged. The conversation went something like this: Hey Mom how are you? Are you sitting down? I’m pregnant and so and so wants me to have an abortion. What do you think? I will never forget my mom’s response, “What do you want to do Freda?” “I want to keep it. How can I claim to love him and then abort his baby?” “Ok, then your father and I will completely support you in this decision.” He was flabbergasted and it pretty much went downhill from there. Nineteen year’s later, he’s gone and my mom and dad are still here. Need I say more?
My father has been a father to my son and my mom has been like a second mom to my son. They’ve seen us through some of the toughest times of our lives and been there for every happy moment too. When something good happens, my mom is the first person I call. When something bad happens, she is the first person I call. She is my best friend. She is wise, intelligent, straight forward and yet is one of the most non judgmental people I’ve met. She is very accepting and embraces pretty much everyone and realizes that they are doing the best that they can. As a result, she has a lot of friends and people who respect her as a woman and a person. She has passed on her faith, strength, resilience and commitment to all of us. She takes amazing care of my dad while he gets older and is a great source of comfort to all of us. I am proud of my mom and am lucky to have been born to those two people.
I was born on mother’s day 38 years ago and my mom said that all of heaven danced the day I was born. She says it so convincingly that it is believable!
I know not everyone is as lucky as I am when it comes to parents and family and all I can say is that my parents did the best they could with what they had and they were always willing to grow and were open to us kids. Most of us kids were willing to let go of the unwanted memories and difficult times and move forward with the good memories and times. As a result even though we don’t see eye to eye on all things, we have a great deal of respect and rapport for each other and I look forward to many more mothers’ days and the person I am because of my mom and her investment in me.
This article was originally posted for Women On Top.Magazine.
Freda Mooncotch: Success from the Inside-Out by Tiffany Eckhardt
Freda Mooncotch is full of energy and doesn’t seem to fear when it comes to pursuing new ideas. I began following Freda when she ran AlpahWomen.com. Then I followed her evolution as she learned Principle Based Psychology from George Pransky, with transparency. Now she is the Wine Wench!
Freda’s success has inspired me and made me wonder…what has she learned from her journey? She has an excellent story to share. I was thrilled when she agreed to an interview! We are in for a treat!!!
Tiff: Freda, I would love a glimpse into your story of success… you obviously have discovered your “muse” (that thing you so naturally do that allows you to create the life you want). I have been so impressed with the evolution of your story from AlphaWomen to your work with George Pransky and now The Wine Wench. Congratulations for building a network of over 50,000 followers on Twitter, approximately 4,000 friends on facebook and TheWineWench.com is now in the top 200k most popular websites!
Tiff: Did you always know how your story would progress? What has been the time-line?
Freda: I don’t know what that means Tiffany. I don’t think anyone knows how their story is going to progress because none of us are fortunate enough to own a crystal ball. I’ve just went where life has led me. What I can say is that after my husband left me when I was two months pregnant at 18, I was stuck. Being stuck was such an uncomfortable feeling. I was very needy and dependent and but not for my parents I don’t know where I would have ended up. That feeling of neediness and dependency always hovered over me and I hated it. I hated being so dependent and little by little I started climbing out of the whole that I got myself into. I wouldn’t change anything I’ve been through because it has shaped me into the person I am today. I’ve launched many projects from a day care center to owning my own real estate company, mortgage company and than a social media company AlphaWomen.com. While I was financially “successful” in the real estate and mortgage company, I was personally unsuccessful with my relationship with my son. The very things that drove me, what outsiders commended me on, was the very thing that was keeping me from experiencing true joy, satisfaction and connection with the people I loved.
Tiff: Was there a incisive incident in your journey that caused you to move towards your success?
Freda: There was an incisive incident that caused me to move away from the traditional idea of “success” because it was killing me emotionally, physically and spiritually. The best thing that happened to me was having to close down AlphaWomen.com. It was my wake up call. I was at a crossroad and had to come to the realization that I’d put all my self worth in having a career and being successful. My work and whether or not I made it would ultimately determine if I had value. I had to let go of that crazy notion and realize that is just not true. I realized I wanted to be happy and content more than I wanted to be financially successful. I wanted to have a fantastic relationship with my son, my siblings and people instead of having a bunch of money and nice toys. I learned what happiness was, what love was, what it is to be content and satisfied even though you don’t get what you want.
Tiff: What drives you? What do you hope for yourself and your family?
Freda: I used to be driven and now I just simply drive. I’m not driven anymore but just really enjoy life. I have a full life whether I’m financially successful or not and that is all I care about at the end of the day. I don’t want my son to go through his 20’s & 30′s driven, chasing after empty things that will never satisfy him. I want him to be average and live an average life. I want him to recognize that things aren’t what makes people happy, but it is being able to slow down and really appreciate yourself, and those around you. When you’re driven you tend to have tunnel vision and your eye is always on the prize. Many times you get to the prize and still feel really empty and you set up another prize/goal and off and running you go. I liken it to a dog playing fetch. I want my son to be a river dog as I have become a river dog and am not chasing imaginary bones that I throw to myself. This is a life of misery, loneliness and emptiness. At the very fabric of our nature we were created and made for connection and relationships. In that regards, I’m truly successful!
Tiff: Did you have times when you questioned your journey? What did you use to keep grounded? What kept you from wanting to jump off the cliff?
Freda: All the time. It is human to question the difficult, challenging times. That is when your faith and your feelings must part company and you over ride your feelings with your faith. That takes trust that everything will work out no matter how terrible it might seem in the moment. It is when we get attached to a certain outcome that gets us into trouble because many times things never work out the way we anticipate them to. When we allow our happiness to rise and fall with our circumstances we become victims and believe we have very little control over happiness. Truth be told, we decide how we are going to see our life. Many people in very similar situations and circumstances see opportunity while others see doom. This is what keeps me grounded. If I’m having a bad outlook on something, I know in a few hours, if not minutes, it will change once I get my bearings back. Nothing is “forever”, that’s only in our minds if we accept what we see as fact and reality. Many times I don’t even have to try and change the circumstance or situation I just give myself sometime and come back and see things completely different. I didn’t have this before.
Tiff: When did you realize that you were successful? What is your definition of success?
Freda: I don’t know what that means. I’m successful because my son loves me with such intensity and I love him the same way. I’m successful because my parents and I intensely love each other and we all get along so well. I’m successful because my two sisters and I totally respect and admire each other and we all have such a great time together that no matter what happens we will get through it because we have each other. I’m successful because I have great people in my life. That is how I define success and in that regard…I am a huge success.
Tiff: I understand the downside of being an entrepreneur is the investment of time and resources. What has surprised you about the cost of your success?
Freda: It is true that when you run your own business there is no 9 to 5, it is 24/7. Not to mention vacations and those types of things. But I love that I don’t work in corporate America. I love being able to contribute to society in a way that I find meaningful and not being told what to do. I’m too creative to be in a box while other people thrive in those types of environments. I die. I can work in my pajamas and pretty much dictate my schedule, go to bed late and wake up late or when I want, but when it’s time to work it’s time to work. I get a lot done when I’m focused but I also can let go for days at a time knowing that the same energy and exuberance I had previously will visit me again. I get so much more done with that way of thinking rather than trying to force myself to work traditional hours or ways. I’ve been told by many that I do the work of ten men. For the most part I love meeting and working with all the amazing people I get to work with on any given day!
Tiff: If you were just starting out equipped with the knowledge you have now….what questions would you ask yourself, what advice would you offer or how would you pursue a “muse”?
Freda: I don’t know. My motto is just go with the flow, life takes care of itself if you let it. I feel like because I’m so laid back in my approach to life and business, not desperate to move left or right, I see things, I see many opportunities and am able to take advantage of them. I see people and their talents and capabilities. I see ways to improve what I’m doing rather than worrying about how it’s all gonna turn out. When we get desperate or anxious we shut down our ability to see more than just the moment, past our fears, and crazy thinking. When we are calm and approach life as, “If that happens great, but if it doesn’t that is okay too. I’m still gonna be okay as a person,” then life gets fun and interesting because you SEE with different eyes that what you were used to seeing.
Tiff: Any favorite authors/books or entrepreneurs that you look up to?
Freda: Anything by Dr. George Pransky and Pransky & Associates.
Tiff: Is there anything you would like to add? Is there any sneak peaks in upcoming news at TheWineWench?
Freda: People spend their entire lives searching for happiness outside themselves and thinking it is in a person, a thing or a career. Your happiness has always been there right in front of you, inside of you. No one can take that away from you. Much like a film projector your mind projects your thoughts out your eyeballs onto a screen that makes up your reality. No one else will see through your eyes and that is why everyone has separate realities. You can see things one way or wait a few minutes and let your thoughts change, your mood elevate, and see things in a completely different light. This happens to us on a daily basis but it is awesome when you understand the mechanics behind your human psychological functioning and can learn to use it for you instead of against you. This takes away your fear of what is happening in your mind when you see it as just thought.
When you stop chasing after the better version of yourself, relax and embrace yourself and your life such as it is, you give others permission to do the same. You will naturally evolve without force feeding yourself and are more open to change than constantly being focused on how you are doing or your performance.
Don’t be afraid of what others think, let your light shine, as a result you empower and give permission to others around you to let their lights shine too!
We launch TheWineWenchShoppe.com later this month. On June 1st we will be launching our wine clubs. Our wine shop will be open for business in Hodgkins later this month. In the fall we will be doing great wine gift baskets with cheeses, chocolates, spreads, and charcuterie. Oh, and sit back, relax and drink some great wine! Life is good.
Tiff: Freda, Thanks so much for your time! I have thoroughly enjoyed watching your story progress. Once again, you have inspired me to shift my focus from performance to really enjoying life with the true gifts I do have…. family, friends and a love of life. May you continue to enjoy the journey as you go with the flow!!!
This was originally posted at TiffanyEckhardt.com
I Lift My Glass To You: Don’t Worry About Your Life, Just Focus On Your Next Step!
This past week we got our liquor license and then the state decided they wanted to come out and visit our facilities–two steps forward, one step back–so we await for their visit. But we can see the light at the end of the tunnel! For instance, the first issue of our very chic Swirl & Sip Magazine will be released next week, our online shop is almost completed and this week we moved in to our warehouse in Hodgkins; it’s a great size too, gives us plenty of room to grow into for our gift baskets, cigars and more! These are just a few things that we have accomplished.
Many people have said to me this past week, “I don’t know how you do it. I don’t know how you pull things together so quickly and get things done like you do.” I had to sit and reflect on those comments because I just don’t think about it like that. It really made me stop and think, “Am I different than anyone else who has a dream? Am I putting things together at a fast pace?” I just get up and go about my business and seems just sorta get done.
Focus On What Your Going To Do Next and Not The End Result
As I said in the welcome letter of our first issue of Swirl & Sip, “If your in the middle of a lake without a life preserver and you’ve got a good distance to shore, the last thing you want to be thinking about is how far you’ve got to go. The only thing you want to be thinking about is your next breath and your next stroke. All other thoughts are extraneous and will surely sink you.” Tying that into my everyday life…well I try to live by that philosophy each and every day. I’ve seen some pretty bad times in my life and I’ve seen some pretty awesome times too and just knowing that this moment is the only moment that matters is all that counts. All our trouble seems to stem from getting caught up in our thoughts of “down the road” or the future which are usually distorted. We don’t have the capability to foresee our future or our destiny and it is best to just focus on our next step instead of worrying about our life. Besides when you try to control your life’s outcomes, you lose out on all the potential and possibilities of letting your life just unfold. I know, it is a noble thing to worry about your life, it shows that you truly “care,” but does it really? Does pining, worrying, fretting and being frenetic and stressed a sign that you care when your kids are afraid for your health and you and your partner are fighting and arguing all the time? After all, tomorrow I could be gone and what would all that contemplating over my future really have done?
There is no way I would accomplish anything if I were constantly thinking of the distance and how far I had to go. I explain that to all my business advisors who have a tendency to be very fact orientated. If I took there stance on things, I wouldn’t get out of bed, but I realize that is what I hire them to do. I don’t think about those things. I put them so far outside my mind and trust that when the moment is right, I will be ready to deal with them or have a solution of some sort and it usually works. The more you dwell on the bad, the negative, the distance, the more of that you will get and it is like putting heavy chains around your ankles and trying to swim…it ain’t gonna happen.
That being said, there is no way I could do what I do without the support of the people I work with on a daily basis. I have surrounded myself with some of the best people. For starters it is people like George Pransky, Ph.D, who helped me more philosophical about life so that my mind could free up and actually have the mental capacity to dream up something such as this. And Deb Scott my website developer who helped me take my vision and getting it into form along with so many others who helped me to take my vision and make it a reality. Then there is Josh from Digital Lizard. I can’t tell you how many nights we are sending emails back and forth swapping ideas, solidifying things and working on all the behind the scenes stuff. Then there is my family…especially my parents. My families support has been huge, there is no way I could do it with out their support. Let’s not forget Bill, the numbers guy, for sitting with me and patiently teaching me the in’s and out’s of retail. Ron my accountant for believing in me and helping me for nothing. The Village of Hodgkins for their support and love of my concept. My liquor attorney Jim and his staff for being on top of things and all the other people who have contributed to us getting here to this point today. My contributing writers like Perdomo Cigars, Jennifer Cox and Katie Mahanes…it’s people like this who have the attitude of, “Let’s work together and see what we can do,” that make things possible and almost effortless. You are after all only as good as your team!
So, I would like to end with a simple, “THANK YOU” to all of you who have so kindly helped me get here. I really appreciate you! Without you, I couldn’t accomplish what I do! mmuuaaaa
Target Practice with a Sig Sauer .45
We had a great time this time around. I’m getting much more comfortable with holding a gun, shooting the gun and people shooting around me. This time there were some guys with an Desert Eagle pistol that made my inards vibrate. Not only was the gun big, but the bullets were ginormous! The sound scared the crap out of me. My sister and I looked at each other and nodded in agreement that soon we will try the Desert Eagle .50.
The best part was when I finally “got” what my focus should be. I was looking at the target instead of focusing on lining up the eye. Once I figured that out, my aiming increased 300%! My baby, bad ass sister who can shoot circles around a quarter, told me she was really impressed and thought I was gonna be a good challenge for her!
Wine Tip #10 – How Many Types Of Wine Are There?
In 2006, there were approximately 45,000 different types of wine being produced in the world. Recently that number was increased to 75,000. Wow! That’s a lot of wine to try in one persons drinking life, even for a wino like me. If you’re new to wine you might be wondering how many types of wine there are. Basically, wine can be broken down into four categories: table wine, sparkling wine, fortified wine and sweet wine. Let’s quickly go through each one so you have an idea of their differences.
Table Wine -For the sake of simplicity, essentially all wines are considered table wines which include white, red and rosé wines. However, there are some exceptions to this rule, for example, in many European countries a table wine is considered to be of a lesser status then their quality wines. Take Italy for instance, a wine is considered a table wine when the vintner doesn’t produce their wine according to local regulations. These winemakers purposefully forgo the denominations of DOCG and DOC because they believe those regulations restrict their ability to make top notch wines. Which means, just because a wine in Italy displays those denominations on their labels and is considered higher quality wine because they follow the local regulations doesn’t guarantee the wine is of high quality. Many Italian wines that are considered table wines are some of the highest quality wines Italy produces. Tuscany is a great example of this.
So when you see the word “table wine” on a wine label don’t confuse it with cheap or read to much into it. Depending on where the wine comes from it could mean a few different things. Knowing what you know now you won’t judge the wine by it’s label and if it sounds good for heaven sake give it a try!
Sparkling Wine – Is exactly what it sounds like, wine that contains bubbles. Actually it is the carbon dioxide that makes the wine fizzy. The carbon dioxide is either infused or happens through natural fermentation. Most of us are familiar with white and rosé sparkling wines but make no mistake there are several yummy red sparkling wines available. A sparkling wine can’t boast the name Champagne unless it was made in Champagne, France. Sparkling wine can be really dry or really sweet. Sparkling wine comes from a variety of different countries like Cava from Spain or Mousseux or Crémant refer to sparkling wine that was produced outside of Champagne, France.
Fortified Wine – also known as liqueur wine is wine that has a distilled beverage added to it, such as brandy. Fortified wines can be dry or sweet and are generally served in small amounts as digestifs. Port, Vermouth and Sherry are all fortified wines you might love or have tried.
Sweet Wine or Dessert Wines - Ice wine is one of my favorite dessert wines. There are many techniques used to produce sweet wines. Generally they are served as an digestif.
So, while there are over 75,000 different wines being made across the world they can be broken down into four different types of wines. Now you know for yourself so you can hold a conversation with a wine snob if need be and worst case scenario, just nod your head and agree, drink more and find a diversion!
Leadership: Strength or Weakness?
People respect people who lead out of strength rather than weakness. Whether you are a CEO, business owner, manager, parent or teacher, this idea still applies.
A leader who operates out of strength values the importance of pointing people to their own inner resources so that in his/her absence those people are empowered to lead themselves. This happens when the leaders of an organization operate in optimal states of mind. When the executives and managers of a business lead out of this strength, the positive attitude and good will is contagious, bringing out the best in themselves and others.
This new thinking dramatically changes the culture within your organization creating an environment where people are happier and more productive than ever without the fear factor that permeates the climate of most businesses today.
When people spend significantly less time each day worrying about themselves and indulging insecure thinking, they naturally focus on their jobs. In that healthy state of mind, people have greater access to wisdom and creativity. When you understand the powerful role of states of mind in yourself and your staff, you will begin to leverage the human dimension in business which will ultimately impact your bottom line in positive ways.
Just Be Average
While we are getting The Wenchin Warehouse stocked and ready to open for business, I am deviating from my wine posts to some deeper topics that I think are very relevant in today’s world–I haven’t been able to drink any wine in the past ten days…sorta fasting, cleansing and the like.
I spent a good portion of this past week contemplating the deeper things in life. I realized a few more really important things to tuck away in my “valuable life lessons” belt. The idea of happiness or the pursuit of happiness has really got my mental wheels turning…in the free flow sorta way though.
Last week I posted a quote on my Facebook wall, “Small opportunities are often the beginning of the greatest successes,” not thinking anything of it, when one of my friends commented with, “Yes, If you know your outcome, you will be able to define your opportunity as an opportunity.” Which launched me into a very interesting conversation with this young woman named Gerlaine. You can view the conversation in its entirety here.
It is hard to really grasp what someone is trying to articulate in short snippets on your Facebook wall, but I think I understood where she was coming from and took the time to explain why I thought such thinking, very common, was harmful to the human experience.
You see, when we live in the moment, when we are present, when we are living life, committed to life, involved in life is when we are our happiest and when opportunities tend to present themselves. They aren’t forced, they aren’t willed, they are the direct result of you being happy and content with what you already have and who you already are. People are attracted to that.
Let me explain. We all are born into this world happy. I’ve never seen a baby or a small child who was unhappy unless, of course, they were severely abused in some form or fashion. In general, babies and young children are both unconsciously confident and humble at the same time. They are little bundles of contentment and joy. They have no where to go, no where to be and really could give a rats ass what kind of diapers they are wearing or what car you are driving of if you are black, white, Chinese or whatever. They know one thing…unconditional love. Children have to be taught unhappiness and discontent. They have to be taught to be stressed, worried and self-conscious.
What that tells me is that we are all born happy and at some point in time we learn through our parents, socialization, conditioning, beliefs and the like how to be unhappy. Once we become unhappy we start this fierce pursuit to find our happiness and what I find really interesting is that it is always outside of us. It is always attached to a person, place, thing or circumstance. How many times have you said, “I will be happy when I get that job, raise, partner, have kids, the big house, car, vacation, lose that weight, change the world etc, etc…. Go ahead fill in the blank. I will be happy when I ________!
Think about that. You and I spend the best part of our lives chasing after an illusion of happiness when the entire time it was always right there inside of us. We create our own barriers, real or imagined, learned or inherited, to our happiness by entertaining thoughts that we are incomplete, nothing, less than without that thing or person or does this sound familiar, “If it doesn’t happen this way, then there is no way I can be happy.” “If my kids don’t behave a certain way, I ‘m just going to be mad.” We are choosing which thoughts we will entertain and give power to every second of the day while we completely ignore other thoughts. Think about that.
Now before you get to blaming your folks, hold on. This is the human dilemma in my opinion. I look at self-help now as the idea that we can’t be happy unless we fix what is inherently wrong with us. Some where along the way we’ve created a deity of perfection and hold that idea on a peddle stool and then spend the rest of our life trying to become that version of ourselves. Many believe they are broken and in need of repair and as a result all they see is their flaws and errors…everyone else’s too. We run, in futile attempts, to seminars, book stores and the like in pursuit of the next tool, technique or tactic that is going to “help” us become the person we think we need to be in order to be happy and complete. I now wonder if that is a direct result of the sinner/saint mentality that plagues so many people and has turned so many against the modern Christian faith? I’m bad therefore I need to fix myself so I can be perfect and acceptable to God so I can get into heaven and receive my reward. I used to think the same thing.
My point to this post is that happiness comes from within you and when you realize where the source of your happiness is, you will slow down. You life will start to look completely different to you. You will stop focusing on your problems, your worries and concerns and realize that is a fruitless endeavor that leads to mental, emotional, spiritual and psychological, not to mention physical, burnout. You won’t have this intense need to prove–if you do you will start to see it for what it is and stop doing it– yourself because you will realize the only person that doesn’t approve of you is YOU! It is all in your head. You will realize that your boredom is directly related to the habitual, circular thinking that you keep running through your head. You will see the value in having high levels of mental well-being and you won’t allow anyone to take that away from you. You will value in seeing the trees from the forest. You will notice the little things in life and be touched by the simple things in your life. Your life will start to unfold in ways that you never thought possible even on your best day of trying to make your life better.
My husband left when I was two months pregnant. That left a huge scar on me as you can imagine. I didn’t have the mental well-being to withstand something so tragic and I suffered and coped with the loss for a very long time until one day I realized I was the only one holding on to the memory (memorization) and keeping it alive. As a result of being a single mom during the time period where it was still unacceptable…I was scared. I was horrified that my son would grow up and be another Dobson statistic and not knowing what I know now, I let my thoughts get the best of me and I pushed my son. I was worse than a drill sergeant and rode him hard about being somebody. I really emphasized the need for him to be exceptional, extraordinary and successful in an effort to prove everyone wrong without ever realizing what I was doing. In a way, I’m ashamed to admit, it was all about me. His success or lack of success, whatever that means, was a direct reflection on me as a parent. How crazy is that, yet I see a lot of parents doing it to their kids.
While I did a lot of things right with Zach, it wasn’t until I myself understood this idea of being average that I told him I wanted him to STOP trying to be great and just be average. I told him that he was already something, already successful, already somebody. I told him not to delay or postpone his happiness to some distant time in his future like I did most of my life. I said, “Zach, just be average. I want you to be a C or D student, go to an average college, date an average girl, have an average job, live an average life and be happy. Be happy right now.” He let out a huge sigh of relief and I think a huge weight was lifted off of his shoulders. By removing my expectations of him, I helped him remove the psychological, emotional and spiritual pressure he had placed on himself. How scary that must be for our kids to not be able to live up to our expectations of them. How scary that must be for anyone when you don’t understand where pressure comes from.
What happens when we pursue life with such fierce determination of being extraordinary is that we end up becoming over achievers (who succeed or fail) who are often more lonely and isolated from their peers because while they’ve made it, everyone else hasn’t or they the idea of not making stands in the way of their happiness. Ironically we have a world full of average people who feel like losers and failures because they aren’t extraordinary. It is a double edge sword! It is all psychological my friends and the moment you understand that you will be free.
What is worse is that you are like a dog who likes to play fetch and the bone is the idea that something outside of you is going to bring you happiness and you keep throwing that illusionary bone only to get there and realize you aren’t happy and so you create another bone and another until you collapse of exhaustion leading a very unhappy life.
When you take the pressure off of yourself and learn to just be average an amazing thing happens…you take your mind off of your performance–How am I doing? How am I doing compared to everyone else? Who am I? What is my purpose?–you are no longer self-centered and pre-occupied with your problems, success or lack thereof, concerns, worries, doubts, fears and the like, that you actually accomplish the things you REALLY WANT to accomplish. Why? You are no longer spinning your wheels and wasting so much energy on trying to “figure out your” life in the name of having a better life. You just let your life happen.
You see the law of attraction from the commercialized aspect can’t work because not even the authors can go an entire day without having a negative thought. It is impossible to do. As a result, there is a battle that emerges within you when you try to subdue your negative thoughts and think only positive thoughts. You have to call the thought authorities in every moment and are in constant battle with your self gauging the thoughts you are having. When you find the negative thought–if you are like me a multitude of negative thoughts–you try to edit them, to make them positive, this is called re-framing. The problem with that is…YOU CAN’T BULLSHIT YOURSELF!
Many followers of the law of attraction get frustrated when the universe doesn’t cooperate with their intentions and give them what they want. You can also really get a sense of people’s moods and the energy they put off and I’ve run into many people who on the surface try really hard to be positive but there seems to be an underlying discomfort or something is missing…as if it is contrived happiness.
Until you understand the mechanics behind human psychological functioning, you will be missing the necessary link to understand where your happiness and self-worth, confidence comes from and even the law of attraction on it’s best day keeps you focused on YOU and what you want IN ORDER to make you happy. It is still putting the power outside of yourself. Your motivation is in the wrong place.
I was so used to playing fetch with myself that the idea of having an “average” life seemed preposterous to me. I was even offended until I just sat with it and then felt a huge pressure being lifted off of my shoulders and as I relished in that feeling of peace and joy…I realized I was finally home. Everything I had been searching for was always right there inside of me and I am perfect just as I am today. I will evolve and grow as all things do but it is no longer my life’s pursuit to set out to try to fix myself or be a better version of me. I rather like me even though I’m hardly perfect. For my imperfections, idiosyncrasies and character flaws…I humbly recognize that I’m at the mercy of my friends and that they love me in spite of all my flaws and in God I place my hope, knowing that it is because of who He is and what He did that merits His love for me and not anything I am or do. This really frees me up to love Him back from a motivation of humility and gratitude instead of desire for reward or fear of punishment.
Hello, my name is Freda and I am just average but I’m happy!
*When I speak of happiness, I am not speaking of being high, upbeat or ramped up, but rather, a deep content and satisfaction with your life such as it is.
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To really grasp these ideas, or get a better understanding, call Pransky & Associates at 360-466-5200, ask for Nicole or Terri to purchase these Cd’s:
-The Foundations of Mental Well-being
-The Game of Life vs. Living Life
-Investment vs. Involvement
-Your Assets Are Your Liabilities
-The Busy Mind
-The Busy Mind – Revisited
Recommended Read: Supercoach: 10 Secrets to Transform Anyone’s Life by Michael Neill. Although I loathe the self -helpy title, I spent a few hours flipping through it at the request of a friend and there was some very good take away’s within the pages. He worked with Dr. George Pransky and Sydney Banks for about 18 months. It is definitely a shift from traditional thinking.
Living In The Unknown – Part 2
Continuing with the idea of Living in the Unknown, I would like to start out with the question: What is the unknown?
So what is the unknown
I spent the better part of last year studying everything I could by Dr. George Pransky on human psychological functioning. After spending a few short days with George I experienced an magnificent shift in my thinking and my eyes started opening up to how my thinking works. Much like Disney theme parks, the attractions that we see pale in comparison to the sophisticated mechanics that lay beneath the ground hidden from our site. Very similar, our human experience is almost arguably 100 percent psychological. When you understand the magnificent mechanism behind the human psychological experience, you come to life and realize you are creating your own reality.
Mind, Consciousness and Thought are the three principles behind our human psychological experience. Summarizing briefly, your brain acts as a projector much like a movie theater projector. Consciousness is the special effects department that allows you to experience life through your five senses. Lastly, Thought is your script, the story played out slide by slide and projected onto your screen visible only to you. None of it could be possible with out Mind. Mind is the source or energy behind life. It is the universal intelligence that runs this sophisticated and dynamic world. All of that creates your reality, my reality and hence we all are capable of living in entirely separate realities. Additionally, you are the creator, director, special effects, characters and often the audience too.
It was George who introduced me these three concepts and to the idea of living more in the unknown. We have two ways to use our mind; as a computer that processes, analyzes and examines data or in a natural free flowing manner where we just allow thoughts to “flow” through our mind, much like a cafeteria trays where one pops up right after the other. We were made to use the processing mode of our mind for the specific use of analyzing data, or when we have enough information to make calculations like the distance from my house to the desired location I want to go to. When over used it will tax our energy resources and cause mental fatigue, stress and distress especially when we use it improperly…like to try and solve life problems. On the other hand, free flow thinking is effortless, easy and natural. It is what we come into the world with. It is living in the unknown. Our mind excels and is in it’s most natural state when we live in this free flow mode most of our lives. Yet, since we were small children, we are taught to override this free flow, natural mode and live more in the processing mode.
When we use our processing mode to handle the matters of the heart in the name of living a better life, solving our problems or whatever it is…we keep our attention focused on us 24/7. We have no trust in the unknown or that everything is okay and we constantly grab a hold of our thinking and run with it. Our minds eye is constantly preoccupied and consumed with our worries, concerns, problems, new deals, new jobs, our kids, our family, our past, our partners, our homes, our jobs, etc, etc…that it isn’t any wonder we are so stressed out. How is it even possible to come up with new ideas, innovative ideas, be creative when we are so uptight, consumed and exhausted by the way we are using our minds?
George gave me a gift because before that moment, I like everyone else I knew, spent 99% of my time in the analytical, processing mode in the name of trying to figure out my life, to get it right, to live a better life and the only thing I did was create a lot of unnecessary stress for myself and my life. I mean from the outside many people cheered me on and thought I was brilliant and successful. Truth be told, I was so burnt out, stressed out and mentally and emotionally drained that I rarely, if ever, enjoyed my own life and worst, I didn’t know the difference. Had I not had a hands on experience I had, I still would be on the treadmill chasing after that illusionary bone of success where I thought my happiness was.
When we trust in that universal intelligence or the source behind life that everything is going to work out, we stop trying to process matters of the heart through our intelligence or our analytical mode. Once you see, like the amusement park, how your human psychological functioning works and the source behind life, behind the fact that we even think. I mean where do our thoughts come from? We have something like 200,000 thoughts that enter our mind per minute, surely they come from somewhere. Why do our thoughts stop after we die? I believe that each of us is living on borrowed time. The source behind life, lends us our ability to think, breathe, love and live. I know that like me, for so many people, this takes a huge dose of faith to really let go of what you’ve been taught, stop relying on yourself and trust in the unknown. A bit whimsical or touchy feely? I thought the same thing to, until I started to see my thinking for what it was. The moment I SAW that I was using my mind against myself, I realized I could stop. The moment I saw that living in the processing mode was harming me, exhausting me and draining me…I realized I could let go and I did.
I have by no means arrived but I judge from where I’ve come and not where I’m going and last year this time I was mentally stressed out, drained and hit the wall. There is no magic to what I am saying, but it does require faith. Faith that no matter where you are at, no matter how things turn out, everything is going to be okay. It requires knowing where the human experience comes from and realizing that no matter what happens, you make-up your own story, your own reality and keep spinning it the way you want it to be seen on your screen. YOU and only you has the power to change the script, change the characters, change the plot by simply changing the way you think about it or changing your perspective.
There are many things in life that call for the use of our analytical thinking mode but matters of the heart, my friends, aren’t one of them. I simply live in the moment and I call things like I see it as best as I can based on the thinking I am dealing with at that moment and the information I have on hand and I make the best decisions as possible…for better or worse. There is no blueprint in life or perfect ending but the perfect ending is the one you decide will be perfect and it is often the one you are living right now.
When you live in the unknown you are okay with you and you do things because you want to not because you should, or you have to, or because of what other people will think of you. You do what brings you the most pleasure and the more time you spend there, the happier you are and an amazing thing happens you end up having the perfect kids, the perfect partner, the perfect house, the perfect job…
Trying to live life in the processing mode, other than the things that require processing data, keeps you worried and concerned about your life, about tomorrow which results in your being distracted, barely present, disengaged, less involved, hard to please, which results in feelings of boredom, exhaustion, low enthusiasm, little to no joy, up-tightness, rigidity, unhappiness, unexcited and always wondering what the grass holds on the other side of the fence.
Everything your looking for you already have, just turn around and see it or rather look inside because what your searching for truly is in your ability to understand how you are creating and contributing to your moment to moment experience. Once you understand for yourself, you will have a vertical shift in your thinking, often unconscious, and your life will all the sudden start to look different without anything changing. Remember the birds no not where their food comes from, yet they wake up everyday with a song in their heart and happy to chirp! Where does that come from?
Next post – Just Be Average!
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To really grasp what living in the unknown is, call Pransky & Associates at 360-466-5200, ask for Nicole or Trish and purchase these Cd’s:
-The Foundations of Mental Well-being
-The Game of Life vs. Living Life
-Investment vs. Involvement
-Your Assets Are Your Liabilities
-The Busy Mind
-The Busy Mind – Revisited
Living In The Unknown – Part 1
This post is going to be more philosophical (airy fairy) and deep (touchy feely) in the sense that I hope you can listen beyond my words to the point where something hits you and you have a shift in your thinking and your level of awareness about how your human psychological functioning works, leaps a notch or two! I know I risk coming across as cheesy, but I am willing to take that risk because this simple understanding one man gave me changed my life forever and I think that it’s worth sharing. I like to think I’m pretty normal.
To match this more philosophical post I would highly recommend a deep, intense, full bodied wine to go along with it! Something like Matsu. My favorite is the 2006 Matsu Tinta Del Toro (100% Tempranillo). Matsu is an organic winery located in Spain and practices sustainable viticulture. The old man on the label is 91 and actually works at the winery. It is an expensive little number (about $40.00 at Binny’s) but totally worth it!
Moruba has created the branding and packaging for Matsu, an organic winery from the Toro D.O. Matsu is a modern a project for sustainable viticulture that brings together a unique collection of high expression wines.
The solution adopted is faithful to Matsu’s philosophy, his image has been stripped from all sorts of tricks to link directly with nature and the people who care about it. Thus, the Matsu’s wine triology, ‘El Pícaro’, ‘El Recio’ and ‘El Viejo’ are represented by a portrait series of three generations that devote their lives to the field. Each one’s personality embodies the characteristics of the wine that gets its name.
The renowned photographers, Bèla Adler and Salvador Fresneda, have been chosen by Moruba for the portraits realization that brings life to the characters of Matsu.
Last year I started learning about the unknown. I don’t even know how to explain or describe what the unknown is because after all it is the unknown. I know that sounds like a real head trip but how do you explain something you can’t see, that has no boundaries, isn’t tangible? So bear with me while I try to convey something I have discovered that has changed my life tremendously.
In today’s day and age it seems that everyone is on the fast track to becoming “successful”. You talk to people and one of the first things they ask is, “So, what do you do for a living?” I’ve had fun saying, “Nothing” for the past year just to see how people respond.
It seems like everyone is so busy and driven to have their piece of the pie that they are innocently caught up in playing the game of life instead of living life. I know because it wasn’t very long ago that I too was that person. Coming from a long line of entrepreneurs, I was, no doubt, bread to achieve. I used to be so driven and I was a slave driver (ask my son). I’m pretty sure the driving force behind my need to be “successful” was the fact that I felt invisible and had low self-worth, I jumped into life with this insatiable need to prove myself, to be seen, to be something.
You see though what happens when you are driven like that is you eventually hit the wall: emotionally, spiritually, physically and mentally because it is your thinking that’s the problem and wherever you go, whatever you do, whatever your accomplishments are, whatever success you obtain will always be over shadowed by the thoughts in your head… it’s not enough. It’s like a dog chasing its tail…you never catch it.
You have to see it for what it is…just thoughts. I laugh now and I can totally tell when I get caught up in an image or the need to prove myself or attached to an outcome. I get really intense, take everything personal, I can’t pull away, it becomes more important than anything else, I get irritable, short, anxious, my mind is spinning and my chest tightens. Those are my tall tale signs that I’m hooked into my predisposed thoughts and conditioning. I now laugh, take a walk around the park and realize where I’m at and try to regain my bearings. I’m somebody, I am something, I am visible and nothing outside of me is going to give me that peace, security and self-worth that only I can give to myself. There is so much peace in that. There is so much freedom in that.
It was this time last year that I hit the wall and life as I knew it fell apart. Oh, it didn’t happen over night, it took about a good two years for everything to culminate and thankfully it did when it did because I can’t imagine living life the way I I was used to. I was not happy and kept going in the wrong direction to find happiness. I can’t imagine not knowing what I know today. I can’t imagine being so bound up and under so much pressure, anxiety and distress in the name of doing better. You see, like so many people, I attached my self-worth, my self-esteem, the essence of who I was on things outside myself, the biggest being “success”.
I see this all the time, especially in very successful individuals. They never enjoy the fruits of their labor because their thoughts won’t let them. Their enjoyment of life is always postponed to sometime in the future, some time down the road I will finally be able to enjoy my life. Their self-worth is so attached to an outcome or an idea that they don’t know how to rest, to be, to enjoy their life because they are so caught up in playing the game that they forget that it is just a game. I guess the question I have to ask is when do you get to enjoy your life? When do you get to benefit? What if you had only six months to live what would you be wishing for? More time to work?
That was the key for me…realizing that life is just a game. When you lose everything you have to make a choice…to keep identifying with that image or let it go. George helped me let go of an image I had innocently but unwittingly gotten myself attached to. Once I could let go of that and just be me I started to see the power of living in the unknown. To know that no matter what happens I’m okay. I’m no longer living life as if my life depended on it. I’m not afraid of tomorrow. Do you know how many financially stable people I know who can’t sleep at night because they are worried about tomorrow, yet on the flip side I know so many people who have nothing and they are incredibly happy and live very fulfilling and satisfying lives. George really addresses this in his article: How Come I’m Not As Happy As I Am Rich?
I realized that the same power or source that makes my heart beat moment by moment, makes the sun rise and fall and breathes life into the flowers and trees in the spring is the same source that has my back. I’ve realized as long as you have your health, your life, your family, your loved ones close…you’ve got the world by the ass.
On that premise I realize that this source behind life is where all my thoughts come from. It is my genius. With all those worries, concerns, problems, doubts and fears (thoughts) I was carrying in my head or extraneous thoughts, how was it even possible for this Source to get through with fresh ideas? It couldn’t! Even if it could I was incapable of seeing it or realizing it because I would think myself out of a good thought. I would figure out why it wouldn’t work. I was so stuck and attached to my predisposed way of thinking, conditioning, my habitual way of thinking that I was that dog running after its tail.
I see this all the time when listening to other people talk about themselves, their relationships, their jobs, their kid, their friends…I do it to but am now catching onto it when I do it and see the humor and silliness in my own crazy thinking.
So what is living in the unknown? – Stay tuned for Part 2 because I’m just getting started.
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To really grasp what living in the unknown is, call Pransky & Associates at 360-466-5200, ask for Nicole or Trish and purchase these Cd’s:
-The Game of Life vs. Living Life
-Investment vs. Involvement
-Your Assets Are Your Liabilities
-The Busy Mind
-The Busy Mind – Revisited
Zuma/Trancas Canyons
I would like to end my L.A. trip with a few words to people who love to explore, hike, bike, horseback ride and be out and out in mother nature. I spent a lot of time driving up and down Highway One or the Pacific Coast Highway (PCH) and discovered a lot of great things to do like hiking in the Zuma/Trancas Canyons and little cafe’s and wine bars along the way. Highway One is 655.843 miles going up and down the California coast. It starts at Interstate 5 in the Orange County area and ends in Leggett, Northern California, at route 101.
I spent most of my time exploring Highway One from L.A. to Santa Barbara. Take your hiking shoes, your camera, some towels and a bathing suite and a sweater for later, because you will encoutner some wonderful places to play and beauty you want to capture forever. The scenic view is breathtaking with the ocean on one side and the mountains on the other and unique little towns in between.
I spent much time exploring the Santa Monica mountains in Malibu via Kanan Dume Road and Muholland Hwy. The Muholland Highway starts in West Hollywood off of the 101 and goes all the way to Sequit Point and is absolutely breathtaking, especially if you catch a sunset. There are hiking trails with canyon views and some with ocean views and little surprises along the way. Also, you must stop in some of the very extraordinary towns and explore many of the paths that are designated to hiking and walking.
Thank you for taking this journey with me to California and reading about the great people, wine and time I had visiting such a lovely place. I hope to revisit soon…this time Santa Barbara to Napa!
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